When I was at school, I would always see this girl waking down the street. I didn’t know who she was but I still wanted to talk to her. She was so pretty to me. One day I finally got the nerve to talk to her.
“Hi,” I said, “my name is David.”
“Hi, I’m Taylor,”
“Taylor, that’s a pretty name.”
“Thank you very much.”
As gazed at her, I noticed that her hair was blowing in the breeze. She was like a rare gem in the dull earth. She made me feel like I could do no wrong, and only we where in this crazy world twisted by fate to meet on this perfect day. I saw the there where leaves blowing around her feet and up by the huge tree, that seemed dead but not just yet. She broke my day dreaming and spoke.
“So how long have you been going to this nasty school?”
“Not very long, but I like it here. It’s away from my hell at home.”
“Your parents are hard on you?”
“More like my mom but, something like that.”
Little did she know my mom would keep me in ice cold water for hours and hours at a time, and even sometimes try to kill me. In some ways she seemed almost motherly. I couldn’t help but to like Taylor. I kept wondering if she would come out and say “come on I want to take you home,” but I knew she wouldn’t. She was nice but not that nice. Also she didn’t even know really who I was, to her I was just another person to talk to but to me, she was the most beautiful thing on two legs I had ever seen. I didn’t know it at the time but, I had a crush on her. I think it was the biggest crush I had ever had on someone and I didn’t want her to leave. I felt like if she left me then I would go running after her screaming for her to come back to me. I knew now how it felt when Romeo and Juliet felt when they couldn’t see each other because he was in one family and she was in another.
“Well, I have to go many things to take care of” Taylor said after a long silence.
“Oh ya, what may that be, if you don’t mind me asking” I replied.
“If you must know, I am trying to take care of my little girl, Turtle.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes…I am.”
“OK then, I’ll let you go then.”
“I’ll see you later.”
“Bye!”
“Bye!”
As she waked away I couldn’t help but to feel like a part of me had gone too. I wanted to cry but I didn’t. I can’t cry because then my mother will win no matter what I’m crying about. I watched her until I couldn’t see her, and then, I went back to the school to see if I could find any food before anyone came back in from the school yard.
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4 comments:
I. i feel after reading this that daivd feel in love with her the second he meet her.
II. i think you could have put more dialog in it, maybe explain a a alittttle but more.
III. " I felt like if she left me then I would go running after her screaming for her to come back to me. " i liked that i liked how you gave that detail.
IV. i would just work on more dialog and maybe some longer dialog.
1. I liked the great amount of detail. I remember the decription of the location the most. The location made me think of fall in the school parking lot.
2. The conversation between the characters related to what happened in the book although there wasnt very long conversation between them. More like a "hi" bye" type conversation. It was a good essay and I wanted to read more, so maybe next time make it longer.
3. I liked David's feelings for her and how you decribed it. "As she waked away I couldn’t help but to feel like a part of me had gone too." and your great decription "Like a rare gem in the dull earth."
4.I found that the conversation was distracting.
"Hello,"
"Hi, how are you"
"Good"
You did put in background information but it was in another paragraph. When I feel like belows example would have been a little more realistic and decriptive..
"Hello," I said shyly looking down at my feet.
It was good though.
5. I think next time try to make the conversation longer because I wanned to read more about it all. You kindda ended the essay way too quickly :(
The store was excellent. There were many details that gave you a picture of the story, as it was unfolding. As you read through it you feel many feelings like trust, lust and sadness, all unfolding at once.
The writer made the characters feel like there real people at school, meeting for the first time. The writer gave real life situations and put it in the story, which mad it better.
My favorite part was how the character David is falling for some one he just meant and all ready trust the other character. The line I liked was “She made me feel like I could do no wrong, and only we where in this crazy world twisted by fate to meet on this perfect day.” The first time meeting and David have all these raw emotions and it made the story more interesting.
The only thing I would consider is in part of the story the two characters were talking but you didn’t know who was who. Other then that the story was interesting.
The only advice I would give you is to keep up with the descriptive wording because you do a great job at it and know how to use it well.
I. After reading this story I felt so sad! I remember where it happened the most, there was a lot of detail explaining the location they were at. The story made me think about how sad it is to watch someone you love walk away.
II. The conversation between the two seemed genuine, just sort of brief. I think had David been so in love he should have tried harder conversation wise.
III. My favorite part of the story is when they first meet and the way David is describing it as love at first site. “ She was like a rare gem in the dull earth. She made me feel like I could do no wrong, and only we where in this crazy world twisted by fate to meet on this perfect day.” I like this quote the most because I think it really shows how David was feeling, it’s really descriptive.
IV. One thing I found distracting about the story was just a couple of misspellings and misused words.
V. This story was really good, but I think that next time you should go into more detail. Like the background of the two characters because it’s a little confusing to me that he’s talking about his mother beating him and everything.
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